Christmas Like a Spartan

Every December people pack into malls and shopping centers like herd animals lining up for slaughter.

Here, take my money!

No, take my money first!

Here slice some more fat off my back to make your breakfast!

What does a Spartan do every December? Baby, it ain’t shopping.

On Christmas day a Spartan pulls out his fat-ass money clip and hands his loved ones a crisp $20 bill and then enjoys the holiday.

Now think very carefully about what you gave as gifts last December. How many of those people still have your gift? Likely zero. Think about the gifts you got last year and the year before. Do you still have them? Do you even remember what they were?

Do a little test. On Christmas day ask this question:

You: What did I give you last year?

Them: ..uh…uh..it was a…hmmm…

The only reason I even remember what I gave as gifts last year is because I gave $20 bills as gifts.

Live Like a Spartan Every Day

Baby, shopping is a waste of time and money. December is a time to finish out the year. A time to take a look at what you accomplished, tie up all loose ends, and get ready for the new year. Plan, plan, and plan some more.

Visualize - plan - prepare - there’s opportunity ahead.

A Storm is Brewing - and it’s coming January 1st every year.

New years resolutions? Bullshit. New year PLANS.

Shopping? There’s no time for shopping. Don’t take time away from ass-kicking to go shopping!

When you go shopping in December you got to check your balls at the customer service counter - balls aren’t allowed during Christmas shopping.

What if people are upset that I just gave them money?

Take the money back if they don’t want it. Gracing them with your presence on Christmas day is gift enough. Money is a bonus.

Them: Boo-hoo, you just gave me money! That’s not very Christmas like.

You: Baby, I got no time for your BS. Give me that money back, I’ll put it to good use.

Money is more useful than most Christmas gifts. On December 26th people already forgot what they got for Christmas.

What if I just gave them a Christmas card?

Don’t line the pockets of the people who have turned Christ-mas into Consume-mas. Give your family the same amount of money. That Christmas card is going in the trash as soon as you leave.

What if I really want to give gifts?

If you really want to give gifts then give your woman a few bucks and let her go do the shopping - give her one guideline: buy something useful for immediate family members only.

Shouldn’t give anything to non-immediate family members.

No need to waste your money on a pocket knife/compass/screwdriver/flashlight combo that no one is ever going to use.

Spend Christmas day with your family, eat all the tasty treats you want, say goodbye and head home.

There’s work to be done. There’s ass to kick. There’s doors to be kicked down.

Save your money - save your time - keep your balls - and get ready for the opportunity. If you ain’t prepared it’s gonna pass you by.

Simplify your lives, Gentlemen. It makes things so much easier.

BONUS:

How to eat on Christmas Day to stay lean:

Eat any damn thing you want on Christmas Day. Eat fourteen boxes of donuts and wash them down with 12 pints of egg-nog.

Here is One Easy Holiday Hack to keeping off fat during Christmas: Train like an animal year round, eat like a Spartan year round and you ain’t ever gonna get fat. Any fat you put on on Christmas day is gonna be gone in a few days ’cause a Spartan keeps his body a lean, mean killin’ machine.

BONUS #2:

What to give your guy friends for Christmas:

Tell those lazy motherf*ckers to get on BOLD & DETERMINED and sign up to grab an early copy of 30 DAYS OF DISCIPLINE on Christmas day.

BONUS #3:

What I’m going to do on Christmas morning:

I’m gonna wake up bright and early on Christmas morning and I’m gonna open the window of my 28th floor apartment and I’m gonna HOWL LIKE A WOLF out the window first thing before I even take a piss. Then I’m gonna get on my computer and I’m gonna send out 30 Days of Discipline to everyone who signed up for the newsletter. Then I’m gonna HOWL LIKE A WOLF some more and scare the shit out of my neighbors. ‘Cause dammit I feel like a million bucks and I want everyone to feel this way.

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